Men, lend me your ear, give me a hand on this one - I'm opening a can of worms here, I understand. Before I dig myself an early grave by posting this entry, I thought I'd say upfront that I love my wife dearly. Now...on to the matter at hand.
A question for those of you who are married with children.
Who usually cooks, does the grocery shopping, cleans the house, and does the evening dishes?
Some background: For the majority of the past ten years, up until the birth of my son, my wife and I both worked full time careers. Household labor was pretty much split between us (more or less equally). We both enjoy an orderly household so we both were comfortable taking the extra time to clean on a regular basis. For instance, we used to grocery shop together, do the yard work together, etc.
Approximately two years ago my son was born, and my wife left her career to become a full time care provider for Jack. A year or so later, I changed jobs and started a new position in Washington DC (approximately an hour and a half commute , one-way, from our home in Berryville).
I generally wake up around 4:30am, shower, and then travel to DC, and leave to return home around 6:30 or 7pm. Averaging a fourteen or fifteen hour workday. The company is a startup, and has associated with it the typical stresses of a startup company.
So given the current scenario, its very easy to fall into a mode where the gender based roles, as stereotyped in 1950s America, are the logical way to maintain order and happiness in the home. Man works all day, brings home the bacon so to speak. Woman plays role of homemaker and mother. Peace love and happiness ensue.
Harps are playing as I read this excerpt below from "The Good Wife", smoking my pipe in my reclining chair, wearing my favorite sweater, watching the playoff game...
A guide for the wife, circa 1955:- Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.
- Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
- Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
- Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.
- Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc and then run a dustcloth over the tables.
- Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
- Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimise all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.
- Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
- Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
- Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.
- Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order, and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.
- Don't greet him with complaints or problems.
- Don't complain if he's late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.
- Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
- Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.
- Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.
- A good wife always knows her place.
<...record scrrrraattch! ...snaps back to reality>Ok, so I'm not kidding myself. While this scenario would be ideal, it's unrealistic. I know this. (
In fact too unrealistic, "The Good Wife" above is thought to be a hoax, circulated through email in the 1980s).
I spent the entire day, from sun up to sun down, with my two year old son this past weekend. I was
almost as exhausted at the end of it all , as I am on a typical day at the office...(almost) :) . So that said, I
do understand when my wife doesn't buy the "I work all day honey, I'm exhausted, I need to unwind" speech I give her when I arrive home, after she's asked me to help pick up the child's toys, or to vacuum a portion of the home, or to clean up after dinner.
I must say however, that when I observe my in-laws or other similar couples of their generation, where "roles" were clearly delineated (and still are out of habit I suppose) - it appears as though there is a sense of peace among them. No constant debate over who should do what in the household.
My wife's optimal scenario would be for us both to share
all responsibilities equally. Meaning, we both vacuum, dust, cook, do the dishes, take the dog to the vet, put the kids to bed, bathe them, clean up toys at the end of the day, do the laundry, mop the floors, shop for groceries and other house hold goods, pay the bills, hang the pictures, file the taxes. While this approach is certainly an exercise in democracy and equality - I feel it's the source of
much strain in our relationship.
The lack of well defined "roles" (and I do not mean gender roles) - in a modern day household only serves to contribute to the chaos and stressors of modern day. If for example, we are
both responsible for everything - it means we are
both thinking about how much needs to be done, in addition to our respective "jobs" (me as software engineer, her as child care provider).
So while I do not believe we should break things up into the classic "female" homemaker roles and the classic "manly-man" roles - I do feel a fair (as agreed upon by both parties) division of labor can go along way in reducing the natural stress and challenges of a marriage.
Using my in-laws as an example again, (knowing full well their division of labor down traditional gender based lines wouldn't cut it today) - my mother in-law "just assumes" that she takes care of watering the plants, organizing the kitchen, and preparing meals. My father in-law "just knows" that he keeps the finances in order, finds a plumber of the toilet backs up, and changes the oil in the family car. There's something to be said for having unique responsibilities and not having to fight over who does what from week to week.
So...that said, my New Years resolution is born. My goal over the next couple of months is to come to an agreed upon division of labor - our roles defined clearly and consisely...and fairly, between my wife and I.
But just suppose...our modern day American culture did the work for us as it did in the 50's. And we didn't have to carve out roles in this new complex world of dual income households.
Help me out...how do
you and your significant other keep things feeling fair and balanced day to day at home?
(Credit: Image found on www.gizmoandwidget.com)Labels: gender, household, housework, role
